"Mama, nnn-hnnng-rmm!"

"Mama, ah-poo ah wah woom?"

Gabriel talks to me like this all the time but I haven't for the life of me been able to decipher what he's trying to say. He says these earnestly, looking into my eye, clutching my hand, pointing at the sky. He says these first thing in the morning when he first opens his eyes, in response to my usual greeting of "Good morning, sweetheart!" He says these before he falls asleep for the night, snuggling into my neck and tickling my ears with his pinky. 

I must admit, I have been getting worried about his speech development. 18 months and still babbling in Baby, nowhere near forming proper simple sentences. Yes, he can communicate with his small vocabulary of one-word item names but they still sound more Baby than like regular words. "Ah-poo" is probably the closest we get to "Apple"; "Mak Mak" to "Milk"; "Nana" to "Banana". 

I've been guilty of comparing Gabriel's speech development to other children of his age, and I've been so alarmed to find that he's on the slow side, comparatively. I've had friends whose kids were speaking in simple two-word sentences at 18 months - while my son can't even make out decent single-words for most things. I start to panic: is he developmentally challenged? Does he have a speech delay? Should I take him to a speech therapist?

The husband tells me not to worry. He's communicating, is he not? And he understands us quite perfectly when we ask him to do things (although he mysteriously pretends to not understand when we tell him not to do something...)

And yet, the over-worried mama in me can't help but wait anxiously for his first proper sentence. I told him last night before we slept that mama loves to listen to him speak, and to keep talking to mama even if mama doesn't understand right away. He seems to have understood what I said, cos he keeps babbling in Baby today. A part of me finds it really adorable and wants to savour and treasure this transition phase for just a while longer, because really, in the larger scheme of things, he'll have the rest of his life to speak properly and only this fleeting window where he can speak so earnestly in Baby and be forgiven for babbling what may seem like silly nonsense. 

Maybe, I shouldn't hurry my baby into growing up too quickly. He'll talk when he's ready, there's plenty of time to grow up. He tries his best, he says something in Baby and looks at me expectantly, he lights up like a happy lightbulb when I just pretend to know what he's saying and respond in proper speech, he asks me to clap for him when he speaks a phrase in Baby and squeals in sheer delight when I praise him for trying. 

So for a while more, mama will not worry, mama will not hurry. You are doing good, kiddo, and mama couldn't be prouder of you. 

"Gabey, mama nnnn-hrng-ga-woo!"

One of those days

 Today has been one of those days. Where everything seems to be going from bad to worse. The husband has gone back to work today and it's the first day Gabriel and I are spending alone in our new home. We've been living with in-laws right up till two weeks ago, and Gabriel is used to having at least two people at home with him on most days. Learning to live with just momma who has a ton of stuff to do throughout the day and having to entertain himself independently is a steep learning curve for the little one, which has consequently left him whiney, grumpy and very needy.

Speaking of stuff, you won't believe how much there is to get done. Meals are a battle ground, and the dishes are the sad casualties of war that I have to clean up and put away. The laundry is never-ending, and there're toys everywhere. 

Gabriel has been whining for the last 3 hours straight, not wanting to sleep cos papa is finally home and he wants to play. I thought my head was going to explode with his incessant whining throughout the day, coupled with his need to be carried like a koala in spite of him knowing perfectly well how to walk. 

So as the day draws to a close, I was contemplating on what a crappy day it has been and feeling sorry for myself (again - I seem to keep throwing pity-parties lately, to the point that I'm starting to find myself whiney, like my son.) 

But it also dawned on me that instead of dreading tomorrow and hoping that Gabriel will be less whiney, more cheerful and less disagreeable, I should and can endeavour to be even more present tomorrow. After all, I am really fortunate to be able to spend whole days with my precious little one! 

I'm Blue Dubadee...

I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones (it probably is!) - but I've been feeling all sorts of bluesy lately. I've spent too much time brooding on tragedies happening in the world and how transient every stage of life is. I've found myself crying over silly things like realising that Gabriel has outgrown his tiny first shoes and that I've gone to get his hair cut 3 times already and for some reason, I can't find the longest lock of hair from his birth that was snipped off at the first haircut. 

I cried when he pulled on the cat mobile in his cot by himself for the music to play, indicating to me that he doesn't need me to do small things like that for him anymore. 

I also cried when he learnt how to click the tiny on-off button on my night lamp to get the light to come on and be turned off. 

And then, I also cry when he doesn't eat his lunch, the lunch I had slaved over for 40 min that morning preparing and chopping and cooking. 

I also cry when I think about how I will be an even more frazzled version of me now, when #2 is born in August. That's just 4 short months away, folks!! As it is, I can barely keep up with the cooking, washing and basic chores while getting in enough play time with Gabriel. And let's not even talk about work which I have to rush through every night without fail when all is quiet and I can finally hear myself think. 

Motherhood is indeed a world of paradox, where on one hand I am so exhausted struggling through each day while keeping Gabriel and myself alive, while on the other, I am so panicked to find that time is slipping away quickly; too too quickly, and my baby is shooting up. 

Today shall just be one of those Cuddle-Up-With-My-Baby-While-He-Sleeps days. We moms all have days like these and going by how quickly he's grown up, such days with this baby seem numbered. 

Mommy Guilt: Counting Down the Hours

Lately, I have been guilty of wishing the hours and minutes in my day would go by faster. I do admit it, I have been so guilty, too guilty, of wanting the week days to blend into each other, to just collide into each other into one moment in time, so that the evenings and weekend can come more quickly.

I've been stuck in this I-hate-weekday-afternoons mentality for the last three months or so, and it's a really poisonous state of mind to be in. Being like this makes me irritable, easily angered by the slightest things, and even disinterested in what I actually spend my day doing.

Realising that I dreaded weekdays with a vengeance has led me to think really hard about why and what I can do to change my attitude. After all, I have much to be thankful for and much to look forward to. I still live with my in-laws so it's not that I don't have an extra pair of eyes to mind G when I need to do something urgent. I get to spend my day caring for and being in the company of my precious, happy baby, instead of being stuck in the office rushing to get work done so that I can come home on time to be with him.

I've read one-too-many articles about how fleeting babyhood really is, about how before I've realised it, my baby will be a big boy who doesn't need his mommy as much, about how short this period of time really is in the greater scheme of things, about how moms struggle to find a balance between their work and their babies because they know how transient this phase of babyhood truly is.

And I know it's true. My baby is already a toddler. He's no longer an infant who's content to be carried and who only wants to see the world from the safety of his momma's arms. Now, he keeps wanting to run off and explore things by himself, he has his own agenda when we go out and he's very vocal about expressing his disinterest in my planned activities for the afternoon if it doesn't interest him. He knows how to communicate his wants in an effective manner, which will only get more effective as he learns the language to verbalise more of his desires.

So anyway, I'm blogging this post to get all this verbalised as I sort out my thoughts and priorities.

Much of my dislike for the afternoon stems from my own lousy physical state at the time of the day. Ever since I found out that Baby #2 is on the way and the pregnancy progressed at top speed (read: the symptoms all came upon me in an avalanche and left me feeling constantly nauseated, fatigued, bloated, and with a nagging headache - all at about week 6) - I've been struggling to really be in the moment as I play with and care for G. My lack of appetite has also wrecked my desire to cook and this has also affected G's meals, although I've really tried to keep his meals varied and tasty. Also, me not wanting to eat has exacerbated all my pregnancy symptoms and I'm in a floaty, exhausted and disengaged head space throughout the day.

Most of the time, I'm just counting down the minutes until Papa returns home from work at between 5.30pm - 6.00pm each evening.

So to sum it all up, I've been feeling like a pretty darn horrible mom ever since I've started struggling to cope with pregnancy symptoms from carrying Baby #2.

I need to decide to look at time spent at home with G in a different light - instead of looking at playing with G as something I do when I am done with all the household chores and my own work (yes I do actually work; bills do need to get paid after all!), I need to think of spending time with G as my main priority each day. Everything else can wait. When I'm trying to hang up the laundry and he is yelling "MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!" at the top of his lungs and tugging at my legs, whining for me to pick him up, I need to drop the wet laundry for a moment and pick him up so he can see what I'm doing. I know he wants to help me around the house now, so I need to learn to let him "help" me while I still get some stuff done.

And, I really need to eat lots more. I've noticed that on days where I eat a lot in the morning, it has a positive snowball effect to the afternoon and evening. I'm less headachey, nauseous and bloated, generally. BUT. This means I need to eat every hour or so, and what I eat has to be very small snack-sized bites, not full meals.

Whatever works to keep me on my feet and smiling by the end of the day, I suppose.

Beginning at One (and a bit...)

So here we are, about one year into this whole madcap journey, and boy do I have a lot to look back on! My baby chipmunk, Gabriel, turned one on December 31 2014. That means I've been a mom for 365 days and a few days, which also translates to me not having an undisturbed meal or bath or sanctified toilet time in that many days. WHOA.

But that also means that I've had the privilege of being Mom and everything that means to my precious baby chipmunk, which is more than I could imagine.

I haven't had the energy or discipline to chronicle my thoughts and experiences in the last one year of motherhood but I don't think it's ever too late to start. When I found out that I was pregnant with Gabriel in 2013, I wanted to diary it down so that not I wouldn't lose the loveliness or discomfort of the whole experience even with the passage of time. Needless to say, I didn't do it.. And when Gabriel was born, I wanted to do a week-by-week blog of my motherhood journey. And again, I'm ashamed to share that I did not do that either...

Well, now that Gabriel is one... And *ANNOUNCEMENT HERE* - I'm expecting his sibling (yay!!!!!), here I am to try to start what I never started!

First things first, I would want to share photos of Gabriel's first birthday party which he thoroughly enjoyed even though it was a whole day affair and the itty bitty chipmunk was absolutely knackered by the end of the day... But being the tremendous social creature that he is, he was such a trooper and enjoyed being in the midst of all his family and friends who had come to celebrate his first year with him. :D

I don't have the edited photos on hand yet, so when they do come in I'll post a dedicated post on that!

I hope you will enjoy reading about my exhilirating journey as a parent as much as I know I will enjoy writing it all down. It's been a whole year of exhaustion, joy, discomfort, cuddles and snuggles, sacrifice and love for me, and I know the next year will only bring even more of the same and more.